Tribute To The Soul Mate Myth:

The Washington Post recently ran an interesting article on The Rules Of Engagement. The author of this article is Robert Scuka, Ph.D., executive director of National Institute of Relationship Enhancement in Bethesda, Md.

(...National Institute of Relationship Enhancement? Probably the most desparately need yet under utilized organization ever...)

The article discussed the utility of premarital counseling. What was once a predominantly religious pre-nuptial tradition is apparently now breaking into the mainstream. As a wave of baby-boomlets are entering the marriage phase of our lives, we're treating the decision to take those vows with the utmost caution.

According to Dr. Scuka, premarital counseling provides a reality check:

"One of the first things many premarital therapists do is to explode persistent myths that help sabotage marriages: that love is the most important predictor of marital happiness; that shared interests are a bulwark against divorce; and that true soul mates don't fight."

Oh, Great.

So, do any of us really have any hope at all of knowing when we've stumbled upon "The One"? Because if sparks and fireworks aren't an indication, how do we know? And then, once we know, what the hell do we do about it...

Dr. Scuka suggests that there are some things even the best of couples need to iron out before tying the knot:

"Linda Peterson Rogers, a marital therapist who practices in Falls Church, said one of her goals in premarital counseling is to teach couples acceptance and a recognition that personality characteristics -- such as a tendency to be disorganized or late -- probably won't change after marriage. Scuka said he tells couples that if they can't come to a satisfactory resolution, each partner has to decide how important the issue is. Chronic lateness may not be something worth breaking up over; chronic debt might be."

What he's really referencing is a truism any late-twenty-something woman of a million exes knows:

People. Don't. Change.

(Especially when you want them to.)

Ever find yourself repeating the phrase: "Oh, if he would just __ he would be perfect!"

Even more dangerous is:

"Once we get married he will/won't ____"

Yeah, NO. It doesn't happen that way. That thing that Mr. Mostly Wonderful does that just irritates the shit out of you now will be the ink on the divorce papers in 20 years.

And if you've never thought about these things but continuously find yourself tearfully wondering "what happened???" after a "surprise" break up, you should read the book.

This is why seasoned dumpers/dumpees act with caution when it comes to commitment.

As well we should.

According to the Center For Disease Control Study, Vital Statistics of the United States, 1960, Volume III, Marriage and Divorce.

In 1960, the CDC reported that the median age at marriage for the divorcees was 24.2 years for husbands and 20.9 years for wives (see Table 3-D in study). During this year, most marriages ending in divorce were of relatively short duration ( Study at 71). Over one third of divorces were granted after a duration of less than 5 years, and close to two thirds at less than 10 years. There is no data on adult children of divorce in 1960, as chilren over the age of 18 were not recorded in divorce records.

As recently as 1992, the U.S. Bureau of Census completed a sophisticated analysis and concluded:

". . . if one assumes a continuation of recent divorce trends, about 4 out of 10 first marriages to the youngest cohort may eventually end in divorce. Alternatively, if one assumes a return to the pattern of divorce during the 1975 to 1980 period, 5 out of 10 first marriages may eventually end in divorce (Current Population Reports, P23-180, 1992, p.5)."

Now, if those stats don't scare you into near relationship paralysis...

So, the question becomes: Is it better to play it safe, or play your hand and risk disaster?

Unfortunately, those of us who have caught a glimps of the fireworks - if only from a distance - realize the potential for happiness if you win the pot.

I vote for risking disaster. But then, I always do.

I talked with my favorite hair dresser today about a recent and particularly devastating heartbreak, and he told me something that really stuck:

The human heart is a muscle. When you use it, sometimes it hurts. But if you give it time to rest, it will become bigger and stronger.

Thanks, Ken. I needed that.